Thursday, 3 March 2016

But what about me?!

As you probably know last November I gave birth to our 2nd beautiful baby girl, Ophelia. From the outside most people would have viewed this as the happiest time of our lives. I was able to take beautiful photographs and share them with you. I'm sure people thought it looked great but things weren't all it seemed. I have always been very good at covering my feelings up and putting on a brave face.

This post is probably one I should never write and perhaps readers won't understand it without being in the situation themselves. You see expecting and having a baby is supposed to be a happy time and bring so much love, joy and happiness to everyone. It's exciting. Family are thrilled. Babies symbolise love and light. But sadly this wasn't the case for us.

I'll take you back to where it started, February 2015. I had been at a blogging event all day and couldn't stop weeing. I got home did a pregnancy test and it was postive. Hubby and I were ecstatic. This time around we decided we would tell our immediate family straight away. I was only 4 weeks but we decided that with it being our 2nd baby, I may need help and support from them if I was tired. I skyped my mum and sisters (they live in Australia), we told my dad and my in laws. They were all very happy. We were on cloud 9.

Then a few weeks later my mother in law became very ill. It was a rapid deteroritaton that came out of nowhere. For someone that fit and healthy to be that ill was quite a shock. I won't go into too many details out of respect for my husband's side of the family but the short of it was that she was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour. From the off we were told that there was going to be no happy outcome with the illness. 

Everything was a waiting game. We didn't know how long she would survive. She kept fighting it and fighting it. She needed around the clock care and support but she was at her own home.

She eventually was admitted to a hospice in October. My due date was the 12th November. My husband had time off work to go there everyday. To cut a long story short. I had Ophelia on the 21st and she passed away 4 days later. If you read my blog post called My PostNatal Stay In Hospital, you will know I was stuck in there for over a week with an infection. Therefore, I was in hospital when she passed away. 

I've had to write this post as a form of release as I honestly feel I need to talk to someone about all this. Perhaps counsilling will be the way forward. 

I don't want to come across as selfish and please understand that this is not my personality. I don't need to be the centre of attention or anything like that but during my pregnancy and for the month after I had Ophelia,  I have never felt so alone and scared in all my life. I was upset and depressed and I couldn't tell anyone as when I did it was all thrown back in my face. I tried to reach out to family members and my husband on many occasions but it was always brushed off.

You see last year was a big year for me too. Not only was I expecting our 2nd child but it was also my 30th birthday which I felt was an important one. That was all forgotten about too. 

I struggled with the pregnancy. I work in an operating theatre so I was on my feet all day. I would then come home and look after Eva, who was 2 so always on the go and requiring attention. I was extremely tired. Nobody seemed to care especially my husband. His mind and attention was always with his mum. 

Whenever I spoke to anyone about how I was feeling, telling them I was alone, struggling, tired and upset, I was always told to suck it up and get on with it. Even my own family did it to me. I was always told how could I moan and say I'm upset when my mother in law was ill etc.

I had 2 bleeds towards the end of the pregnancy which they put down to stress and not having any rest. On the 2 occasions I was admitted to hospital, I went alone. No husband by my side. Not a soul.

When I was having contractions my husband just left the house and spent most of the time at the hospice. He eventually came back and we went to the hospital. He didn't hold my hand. He didn't offer me any support. He was completely disinterested.

As you can imagine. When she passed away the loneliness escalated. I had to attend the funeral with a 1 week old baby. I'd had a cesarean. I'd just had a baby. I'd been in hospital for a week. No one was bothered. The sympathy cards were coming but no new baby cards. 

In the end I decided I needed to be with my family and we booked a last minute trip to Australia on boxing day. Whilst here I made the decision with my husband to stay here for 3 months and he return home where he could grieve alone. 

I hope I haven't come across as a horrible person. I'm really not. Having a baby should be a wonderful time but it was honestly the worst time ever for me. I cried pretty much every day during my pregnancy and in the weeks after. 

I understand that it was a difficult time for my husband and his family. It was for everyone. But I was going through a lot too and I was alone. There were times when I didn't want the baby. I hated myself for even saying it but this is how everyone made me feel. 

This time in Australia has allowed me to become a happier person again and has made me appreciate how lucky I am to have 2 beautiful, healthy girls.

I needed this time away from the upset back in the UK. I've now only got 2 weeks left here in Australia. I'm extremely anxious about my return home which is why I felt the need to writ this post and get a lot off my chest. I'm so worried that my life will be the way it was when I left. I'm worried I will be alone. I'm worried that no one will care or be interested.

Have you ever had anything like this happen to you?  
ohsoamelia
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38 comments:

  1. Oh Kerry I'm so sorry to hear what you've gone through. You aren't being selfish at all, having a baby is a scary thing and you need support and to feel loved and appreciated. I completely understand where you're coming from.
    I hope the break has done you good and that everything is okay when you come back.
    You know where we are if you need us, I'm more than happy to come to Cardiff to meet you if you ever need a chat. Take care. xxx

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    1. Thanks Leanne. It was such a horrible time and especially was just after I'd had her. I really felt I had to get it off my chest x

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  2. This is an incredibly brave post and not at all selfish! I understand that everyone's minds may have been elsewhere but pregnancy and the early weeks are hard and everyone deserves support no matter what else is going on. You haven't caused the situation and it is affecting you too, you still have to deal with all those hormones, tiredness and a 2 year old! I'm glad you've been able to get some space and some time to recover somewhat. I hope that you have more support when you come back to the uk. Asking for help and support is not selfish, it is brave and admirable xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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    1. Thank you. It took me ages to decide whether to write it or not x

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  3. Aw, Kerry. Sending you big hugs. I'm so sorry you have been feeling so down. I know you touched on this in an earlier blog post - and of course it is something you should have written! Sometimes I find writing things down really helps me get a handle on everything I am feeling. It must have been such a difficult time for everyone. Having a second baby when your first is just a toddler is a massive thing and to feel like you had no support must have been so difficult, especially with your stay in hospital and your family on the other side of the world. I hope you and your husband can work through it all. Let me know when you are back in Cardiff. It'd be lovely to meet up again. Take care lovely xxx

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  4. I'm with Leanne. I'm here if you want to hang out. I'm desperate for cuddles with Ophelia anyway! Please don't feel alone. You're not. I can't believe what you've been through. Loneliness on its own is so tough to deal with. I dealt with it for my entire 20s and it led me to make some really stupid decisions. I can't imagine how hard it is to feel lonely in a marriage and with tiny kids to look after. Of course you need people to care for you and to have your back. Now more than ever. Masses of hugs. You're mega brave for writing this but you've absolutely done the right thing. Because now people can reach out and help you and there's no shame in that at all. Be proud lovely girl. Xxxx

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  5. Oh lovely, so sorry to hear all of this. Sorry for the awful circumstances. I haven't been in this situation, but know the loneliness. So glad you got to go to Australia to be with your family. We're all here for you when you return in Wales. Sending lots of love and hugs xxx

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  6. I'm glad you've had chance to recuperate in Australia, and hope you and hubby can move on when you get home. You've both been through such a lot - such an exciting time, but so awful too. You have each other to be thankful for and build your lives as a family. It's very sad that your MIL did not. Much love, Kaz x

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  7. You are not a horrible person. I understand everything you say. I know how hard it is to be pregnant and work in an operating theatre especially with another child. I loved being pregnant. I loved all the attention, the care everyone took of me. From my husband to people who gave up their seats on the bus but I got upset when my husband didn't offer to pick something up that I had dropped, I had heartburn and slept on 5 pillows so bending over was out of the question but he didn't understand. I can't imagine how awful it must have been to have had that about everything and not have the care and attention you deserved. When my mother died I couldn't function, I didn't work for over 2 months, I certainly had no empathy for anyone else so I can understand your husbands actions even though on paper they appear heartless and uncaring. You have two beautiful girls and I really hope you both can look forward and enjoy them together.

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  8. Do you know sometimes you have to look after yourself. You have done exactly the right thing and taken yourself and your babies away and concentrated on what is important. I know things must have been hard for your husband and his family but I'm always one for focusing on the positive things in live. New life is the most powerful thing and should be cherished and treasured. I'm so glad you wrote this, no one wants to feel alone and we are all here for you xx

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  9. awww loneliness is a tough game kid but you have every right to feel the way you do AND to feel apprehensive about your return. Hopefully all will be well when you are all put back together. This post is both touching and brave. Being a mama can be lonely at the best of times without the added stress. It seems like you have plenty of the welsh pose ready to pick you up. I'm in New inn, apparently just around the corner from leanne so if you ever need a woman day out, I'll grab her on the way and we can all do coffee and a good listen xx

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  10. That sounds so awful! Of course you felt alone, it was such a huge event in your life and someone should have turned their energy to you. Of course I'm sure your husband has done what he can, in situations this extreme it would've been too difficult for you to have been there for each other to lean on, you both needed someone away from it to let you lean on them. I'm sorry you didn't have that. If you ever feel that alone again, use online support. It sounds odd opening up to people you don't know as well, but it's got me through some really dark low times. Please don't feel like you've said anything horrible at all, your feelings are just as important as everyone elses xxx

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  11. This sounds horrible and I can't imagine what you are going through. You're not being selfish at all. You have to do what is best for you which ultimately will also be the best for your family.

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  12. Hugs. I am sorry you have had an awful time. Echoing Ally's comment, online support was great for me when I had PND and although my situation was completely different to yours, it really helped. Glad you are feeling happier now. Onwards and upwards for the rest of 2016 xxx

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  13. Being away from immediate family is so hard, no wonder you have felt so alone during those months. I have read you positive blog posts in the last few months and I truly hope they will continue when you get home. I hope you will find a way to communicate with your hubby, grief is a heavy burden and I am sure it has taken its toll on him and you consequently.xx

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  14. I just want to give you a huge hug lovely, I'm so sorry you've felt this way. Hopefully on your return your husband will have grieved for his mum and can now give you the support you need. Maybe he will see how much you needed him also. lots of love to you if you ever need to speak to someone I'm always available xx

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  15. Hey Kerry, I am so sorry you were feeling like this. Life can be hard in every aspect and it looks like it all happened at once for you which can be such a challenge. But look at you now, you got through it and you survived. You have had time with your wonderful family and are now refreshed and ready to take on the next chapter. Imagine yourself happy, laughing and enjoying life here in the UK. You have two weeks to really focus on this. You are coming back at a wonderful time, it is spring, lambing season, lots of new births, nearly summer, lots of sun just like in Australia. I hope that when you come home you will feel a lot better and remember you can always reach out to the blogging community everyone is here for support. Sending hugs x

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes it all happened in one go but It always seems to do that doesn't it. I'm definetly happier and stronger now and I am looking forward to a lovely Spring back home x

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  16. I salute your for writing this. Blogs are for honesty and are our place for spilling feelings. Having a baby is an emotional time and you of course deserved more support. I'm sorry your experience wasn't so supportive. Xx

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    1. Thanks lovely. I feel better for talking about it x

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  17. Oh I'm so sorry . My husband lost his mum to this.

    I've only just come across you and I want to give you a hug . Xx

    I hope you go for counselling ( if you want )

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    1. Thank you. It was an incredibly difficult time. I do think I will have counselling when I get home x

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  18. So sorry you've had to go through this and so sorry for your loss. It must be so hard to go through your pregnancy without any help or support and I don't think you're selfish at all for feeling this way. You've done the right thing in putting yourself first and getting the space and support you need at such an emotional time x

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    1. Thank you. It wasn't an easy decision to make staying here in Australia for so long but it was definetly the best thing to do x

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  19. Shame it sounds like you had such a horrible time it is not great feeling alone. i hope things improve #shareitsunday

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  20. Awww kerry, that's really sad! So sorry to hear you Have had such a rough ride of things but glad you have been with your mum... Mums can always make you feel better ah? 😄 Xxx

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  21. This made me so upset to read I just want to give you a big hug. It's such an emotional time being pregnant and when other things and life get thrown into the mix it's horrible. I'm so sorry things have been tough for you I really am!!! Your time in Australia has looked amazing and I really hope it's given you the boost you needed and given you some time to be you and have help. Lots of love xxx

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    1. Thanks Hun. It was truly a horrible time. I'm sure things will be better when I go back x

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  22. I just want to hop on a plane, and give you a hug! I'm so glad you're feeling better for being in Australia. You don't have to suffer alone, and of course your feelings matter. I really hope things continue to improve when you do get home xx

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    1. Thank you lovely. I really needed the time away x

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  23. Awwww you poor love. Giving you a super big virtual hug! It sounds like you had such a tough run and I'm glad being back with your family has made you feel better. The sun helps too hey? I know all too well about the loneliness of being so far away from your mum and siblings so please let me know if you ever need to talk. No need to feel lonely again. I might do the same with you hehe xxxxxx

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    1. You can call on me anytime as you're right we're in similar situations where we aren't with our families x

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  24. Oh Kerry I've only just read this. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, it sounds just awful and should have been such a happy time :( Thinking of you x

    Georgina (makeup-pixi3.com)

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  25. So glad that Australia trip has helped you heal a little bit! Just hope the healing carries on back in UK.. don't be ashamed to seek help if it's the best thing for you x

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  26. I'm so sorry you've been feeling like this. It's best to get it out so I'm glad you mangaed to get it off your chest. You definitely don't sound selfish to me, pregnancy is tough and with all of that going on no wonder you've been feeling that way! I hope things get better when you return to the UK. xx

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  27. So sorry to hear you had such a hard time when your second little girl was born. Although a birth is a happy event, there are always things going on around us and losing your mother-in-law so close to the birth must have been really hard. Sending much love

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