As my pregnancy draws to a close, I've been reflecting on how it has gone and how I've been feeling. It got me thinking about my hormones and how they've toyed with my thoughts and emotions and how much of a nightmare they really are. It's been a roller coaster of highs and lows and ups and downs. There's been days when I've been excited and happy and then there's been days when I've been angry and ridiculously unhappy. Whilst talking to the hubby about it, I started laughing as it reminded me a lot of the Disney film 'Inside Out' and how at times, we have no control over how we think or feel.
Joy - This is the first emotion I felt when finding out I was pregnant. I couldn't have been happier. I was excited! You couldn't stop me smiling. I also felt a lot of joy when telling people I was pregnant. It's such nice news to share with people. I felt it at the scans i've had. I then felt it quite a lot during the second trimester when I had more energy and generally felt pretty good. I've experienced it when seeing my daughter talking about her sister. The smallest of things make me cry with joy and happiness. But needless to say when there are ups...then come the downs.
Sadness - This emotion is non stop during pregnancy. One minute your happy as Larry and the next you are breaking down in tears of sadness and more often than not you have no idea why. It's totally uncontrollable and you feel helpless and pathetic. I have probably cried at least 5 days of the week since being pregnant. The smallest of things make me sad such as being too tired to play with my daughter, not having any ice cubes ready (to curb my cravings), not having a cuddle from my husband. The list is endless. I have felt sorry for my hubby and daughter as they try and cheer me up when i'm sad but they can't.
Fear - There is so much to fear during your pregnancy. In the first trimester you fear losing the baby and you fear pregnancy side effects. The rest of it is then spent fearing child birth etc. For me personally, I have a massive fear of child birth again. I had such a horrible experience of it before that I fear the same will happen again. This is one emotion I can't seem to shake off. I also fear that I won't be able to be a good mum to 2 children. I fear I will lose my best friend bond with my daughter. I fear that I will let her down as I can't be there enough for her when the new baby arrives. I fear not being able to afford to be on maternity leave with 2 children. I also fear stupid, small things like the food shop! Overtime I come to do it, I worry about going into labour or how am I gonna carry everything! I've made a mental note to start online shopping from now on.
Anger - Now this is a funny emotion. You don't think you'd ever be angry during such a wonderful time but when volcano Kerry erupts, I sure erupt and as with sadness, most of the time I have no rational reason as to why I am angry. The hubby and my daughter have taken the hit of most of this emotion which then makes me angry at myself. I feel like I don't have any patience and completely lose my rag with them at the smallest of things. I then hate myself for making them upset. When my daughter looks at me when i've shouted at her, I completely melt and sadness and disgust kick in.
Disgust - As I just mentioned disgust normally kicks in immediately after anger or sadness. I end up feeling like the smallest person on earth (i'm only 5 foot anyway lol). I feel like the worst person on earth. The worst mother on earth. The worst wife on earth. I look at myself in the mirror and i'm disgusted at myself and the behaviour I have shown. I question how I could upset my daughter over nothing! That then leads to questioning how I'm going to cope with 2 children and guess what I then end up sad and in deep fear and the whole circle of emotions start again.
I've wrote this post and likened it to 'Inside Out' to try and highlight to myself and anyone else that we really don't have any control over how we think and feel during pregnancy. Those 5 little characters are up inside our head, toying with everything. We can't beat ourselves up over how we think, feel or behave, it's just a fact of life. We're all good parents no matter what we think and we're not alone in feeling so pants.