Today I had an appointment at antenatal clinic which was for new bloods to be taken as i've changed hospitals and also another check up with the midwife there. Now today started as a good day and I can't work out where it all went wrong.
I got to clinic and I had my bloods taken which was all fine. I then got to hear babies heartbeat and I had my bump measured. I was a bit shocked to hear that the head was engaged, in fact I almost had a heart-attack. At 29 weeks and 1 day that is way too early for baby to be making an appearance. However, I was assured by the midwife that this is very common in a second pregnancy and that the head will quite regularly pop in and out. She then started to talk about how I didn't have long left. I had thought this myself already but I suppose it's not until you hear someone else say it that it really sinks in. At this point I was rather quiet and pensive.
We then went to the delivery suite so that I could be shown around. I have swapped hospitals so that I can be consultant led by the person that operated on me after my last birth. He is based at a different hospital to where I had Eva. Up until this point I haven't been on a labour ward since having Eva.
I was first taken to the birthing pool room which all seemed lovely. I was engaging in conversation with the midwife but I was distracted and distant. We then went on to a delivery room and I was shown everything. She started talking about incubators and delivery trolleys, visitors, emergency buttons and all of a sudden I just burst into uncontrollable tears. What an absolute plonker I must have looked. I really couldn't hold it in. The look on this poor midwife's face. She tried to comfort me but I couldn't stop. I felt like a prize idiot.
Once I'd calmed down I realised that I have been hiding a lot of my feelings about experiencing childbirth again. I had a terrible delivery last time and I ended up extremely unwell for months after, resulting in me needing an operation. I think walking on to a delivery suite again brought back memories of labour and delivery with Eva. I became scared, petrified in fact. I was having visions of the terrified look on Arwyn's face when it was going wrong. I was remembering being in a room and within seconds there was about 10 people in there. It made me realise that I wasn't prepared to face it all again.
This all seems very silly as I work in an operating theatre. I am very familiar with hospitals and even with emergency situations. In fact normally I would be very comfortable in these environments. However, when it comes to having a baby, perhaps my previous experience along with my working experience goes against me. I technically know too much information. I know what can go wrong. I understand every word people are talking about. It's getting me all worked up and emotional even writing this.
I'm worried that I won't be physically and emotionally strong enough to do it all again. I don't want to let myself, Arwyn or bump down. I need to overcome this silly fear or I know I will have a terrible time again.
I honestly can't describe or explain what on earth came over me today. Perhaps it was my pregnancy hormones? All I know is that I have got to work out how to control my anxiety about the whole thing and I need to do it quickly. As the midwife said it won't be long. I have an appointment with my consultant in a couple of weeks time so I am hoping he will give me lots of encouragement.
Has anyone else felt this emotional about delivery 2nd time around? Did your hormones make you this emotional during pregnancy?