Friday, 28 August 2015

A meltdown at Antenatal clinic

Today I had an appointment at antenatal clinic which was for new bloods to be taken as i've changed hospitals and also another check up with the midwife there. Now today started as a good day and I can't work out where it all went wrong.

I got to clinic and I had my bloods taken which was all fine. I then got to hear babies heartbeat and I had my bump measured. I was a bit shocked to hear that the head was engaged, in fact I almost had a heart-attack. At 29 weeks and 1 day that is way too early for baby to be making an appearance. However, I was assured by the midwife that this is very common in a second pregnancy and that the head will quite regularly pop in and out. She then started to talk about how I didn't have long left. I had thought this myself already but I suppose it's not until you hear someone else say it that it really sinks in. At this point I was rather quiet and pensive.

We then went to the delivery suite so that I could be shown around. I have swapped hospitals so that I can be consultant led by the person that operated on me after my last birth. He is based at a different hospital to where I had Eva. Up until this point I haven't been on a labour ward since having Eva.

I was first taken to the birthing pool room which all seemed lovely. I was engaging in conversation with the midwife but I was distracted and distant. We then went on to a delivery room and I was shown everything. She started talking about incubators and delivery trolleys, visitors, emergency buttons and all of a sudden I just burst into uncontrollable tears. What an absolute plonker I must have looked. I really couldn't hold it in. The look on this poor midwife's face. She tried to comfort me but I couldn't stop. I felt like a prize idiot.

Once I'd calmed down I realised that I have been hiding a lot of my feelings about experiencing childbirth again. I had a terrible delivery last time and I ended up extremely unwell for months after, resulting in me needing an operation. I think walking on to a delivery suite again brought back memories of labour and delivery with Eva. I became scared, petrified in fact. I was having visions of the terrified look on Arwyn's face when it was going wrong. I was remembering being in a room and within seconds there was about 10 people in there. It made me realise that I wasn't prepared to face it all again.

This all seems very silly as I work in an operating theatre. I am very familiar with hospitals and even with emergency situations. In fact normally I would be very comfortable in these environments. However, when it comes to having a baby, perhaps my previous experience along with my working experience goes against me. I technically know too much information. I know what can go wrong. I understand every word people are talking about. It's getting me all worked up and emotional even writing this.

I'm worried that I won't be physically and emotionally strong enough to do it all again. I don't want to let myself, Arwyn or bump down. I need to overcome this silly fear or I know I will have a terrible time again.

I honestly can't describe or explain what on earth came over me today. Perhaps it was my pregnancy hormones? All I know is that I have got to work out how to control my anxiety about the whole thing and I need to do it quickly. As the midwife said it won't be long. I have an appointment with my consultant in a couple of weeks time so I am hoping he will give me lots of encouragement. 

Has anyone else felt this emotional about delivery 2nd time around? Did your hormones make you this emotional during pregnancy? 
Mummascribbles
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15 comments:

  1. Hi hun
    First of all you don't feel like an idiot. You are completely normal in having these thoughts and you are not alone. Pregnancy hormones aren't helping and at the moment I'm crying about anything and everything.
    I promise that every labour is different and that just because the first delivery wasn't a good experience it doesn't mean this one won't be. Be honest with your midwives and they will be there to support you.
    You have got through this once and you will do so again. You're a fantastic mummy and your family are so lucky to have you. I had a similar experience with multiple back surgeries rather than labour. Having these medical struggles makes you a stronger and better human being.
    I'm not overjoyed at the thought of giving birth for the third time. When last son was born he was rushed off not breathing and there was a lot of commotion. Clearly he's fine now but at the time it wasn't great. Also so many unknowns about my back this time.
    Stay positive, hug your family, cry if you need to and eat lots of chocolate xxx

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    1. Awww thanks for that! I think I just needed to let it all out in the open. I bet your back surgeries have been awful to deal with! I have got every finger and every toe crossed for both os us that this time around it'll be wonderful xx p.s I have just reached for a cuppa and choccy biscuits

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  2. Awww you're totally allowed to feel that way lovely. You're in your third trimester, pregnancy hormones must be out in full force. You are strong and you sound like you are in very good hands. We are close to thinking about baby number two so I don't have any advice to you but I follow your blog closely and you have a lot that you can teach me. Big hugs xxx

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  3. So sorry to hear this Kerry. You are not an idiot at all. This is completely normal after your experiences. Do you know, I think this is a good thing to happen because now you can work on those anxieties. I really hope your next appointment helps and also maybe some hypnobirthing or extra counselling. You are strong and can do it. Lots of love xxx

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  4. I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling like this Kerry, I'm sure that the midwife didn't think you an idiot, there are probably a few mother's who go through the same thing.
    Have you tried Counselling? Or maybe consider opting for a c sec if you feel you need to?

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  5. I was a theatre sister for many years and I have never thought anyone's fears were silly or they were an idiot and I'm sure in your professional role you haven't either. Talk to someone who is an expert and knows you, your GP or your consultant. Write the questions down now so you don't stumble when you are there. No questions are stupid either. Xxx

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  6. I opted for an elective Caesarian with Ieuan and it was honestly a breeze. As for the head engaging early, Ieuan engaged and then turned a couple of times. Do what's best for you.

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  7. Awww, big hugs to you. I'm not surprised you found it emotional after a difficult last experience. You are definitely not an idiot - I have had many meltdowns in hospital. I used to have a genuine phobia of them which would lead to panic attacks and fainting. It happens - and the medical staff understand. Natal hypnotherapy helped me, plus pregnancy yoga. It might be worth seeing if you can get some kind of appointment to discuss your last birth and fears you have. I think it's good to talk/write about it to help work through your experiences. x

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  8. This pregnancy I am so emotional and keep bursting into tears. Also a lot more anxious than 6 years ago when I had my last pregnancy x

    Stacey * unicornmummy.com

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  9. I think sometimes getting it all out even if it does mean hysterical tears is the first step to hopefully making some progress with these issues and maybe fixing anything you can or being as prepared as possible! Ultimately you'll get your baby out of your delivery but it's so important that your healthy. I hope you have a better experience this time round and feel better now you've had a cry! Xxx

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  10. Very normal, thankfully I haven't thought that far ahead yet but I know I will be the same. Alfie's birth experience wasn't one I want to relive but i think I may have to go for an elective section this time. My body gave up last time and was rushed down there anyway. Keep that chin up, you will be amazing xx

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  11. Oh you poor thing, it sounds like you had a really tough time last time around and I don't blame you for being worried. One of my friends did a hypnobirthing course and said it was great for helping her to relax.
    I hope everything goes smoothly for you.
    Alana x

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  12. Oh I wish I could give you a massive hug! I think it's completely normal to feel the way you do, especially after what happened last time. I hope that it all goes smoothly for you this time around lovely xxx

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  13. Aaah bless you lovely. I think it's perfectly natural to feel this way — particularly if you had a nasty experience the first time round. Maybe you should go back again? Make an appointment to chat to the midwives, just to try and put your mind at rest? Thanks so much for linking up with us — hope to see you next time :) #TwinklyTuesday

    Caro | www.thetwinklediaries.co.uk

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  14. Don't feel silly! You went through such a tough time with Eva your bound to feel scared. At least you kinda know what to expect this time. X

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