Saturday, 4 July 2015

My marriage fears when baby number 2 arrives

I've been toying with the idea of writing this post for a while as it's something I think about all the time but more often than not you don't like to talk about these things out loud. It's always easy to hide behind a smiling face and pretend that everything is going to be fine but I have a lot of fears and worries for my marriage once baby number 2 arrives.
Marriage can be a difficult thing at the best of times but throw a baby into the mix and then even more babies and the cracks can begin to show.
I'll first give you a bit of a brief background about the hubby and I. We have now been together for 10 years, living together for 6 years and we have been married for 3 years. We had a fantastic life of lots of travelling the world, eating out all the time, lots of cinema dates and of course any other forms of socialising. We knew the next step in our lives was to have a baby as we had already experienced so much together. We actually conceived Eva before we got married and found out 3 days before the wedding.
Once Eva arrived of course our lives completely changed. We were no longer a formidable pair but now a family of 3. We were of course ecstatic and happier than we'd ever been but can you ever be prepared for how much your relationship can change and do you even notice it changing?
Unfortunately life as a family of 3 didn't get off to a flying start for us. After a very traumatic vaginal birth that turned into a bit of an emergency, I ended up with severe infections. I couldn't sit myself up and could barely walk. I was pretty ill and going in and out of hospital for weeks. It took almost 3 months to clear the infections and fully heal but I was then left damaged. To cut a long story short I needed to have surgery to repair the damage. I didn't get the surgery until Eva was 1.5 years old so you can imagine how this affected our relationship.
So this is one of my first fears. I am terrified that this will all happen again and that our relationship will suffer because of it. Arwyn was as supportive as he can be but a year and a half of all the troubles can take its toll on anyone. I am consultant led this time so I am trying to remain as postive as I can be about the birth and aftermath.
My next worry is through breastfeeding. I breast fed Eva for 9 months which was fantastic and I am hoping to do it again. However, I did find (and especially in the early days) you are paying so much attention to the baby with feeding that you become wrapped up in your own world and forget about anyone else. I found that I left Arwyn out a lot. This is something I need to work on this time around and also making sure I don't leave Eva out too.
My last fear and this is my biggest one is whether we will get any alone time at all. I worry that we won't be able to go on any dates at all and I think that it is so important to still be able to do this once you've had a family. I think this is where we struggled once Eva came along.
We are very much lacking in babysitters as it is and that's only to look after 1 child. I can't imagine how difficult it will be 2 find someone to look after 2. The baby will have a few grandparents but let me explain the situation fully. My mum, stepdad and sisters have all emigrated to Australia so as you can appreciate they aren't around to babysit. They do have Eva whenever we go over there or vice versa but that isn't even once a year. My dad is around so we will have to use him more. My nan is very good and has Eva quite a bit for us but seeing as she looks after her in the day a lot we don't like to ask in the nighttime too. I also forget that she is a great grandparent and therefore it is hard work for her.
Arwyns parents were fab when it came to babysitting Eva, in fact they were the only people that would have her overnight (once I stopped breastfeeding) however, since finding out I was pregnant this time around my mother in law has very suddenly become terminally ill. It's all very stressful and upsetting and they for obvious reasons no longer look after Eva.
You can see the predicament we are in and I am so worried that no one will even come to the house to allow us to go for dinner etc.
It is so vital to remember why you started a family in the first place and to be able to reconnect and still enjoy each others company. I suppose we will have to think of alternative ways to do this when baby number 2 arrives. Possibly dinners in the house, movie nights at home, garden dates etc. I would love to know if you have any suggestions.
Is this something that has happened to you or are you worried about the same thing. Would love to know your thoughts and advice.

Kerry x


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26 comments:

  1. Lots of families have similar fears. You'll be fine and i'm here for you xx

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  2. Im sure you will just adapt and get into the swing of things! I'm not even pregnant with #2 and I have these fears too x

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  3. Oh Kerry - you have such a lot going on... It's no wonder that you're stressed.

    Firstly, can you opt for a section? I had a very rapid first birth and I did worry about baby number two but in the end I had to have a section as he was feet first (and 9lb). Secondly, you are an expert this time round, so you have the benefit of experience - breastfeeding is always a little tricky but you managed before so you'll ace it this time. And I am so very sorry to hear about your MIL, there's nothing I can say to make that any easier for you, but people are hear to listen x

    #justanotherlinky

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    1. Annoyingly the consultant doesn't want me to have a section! Thank you for all your kind words and advice x

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  4. it certainly takes more effort with another baby, but don't worry. By voicing your concerns now you're being aware of things and I am sure things will find their feet. It sounds like you have an awful lot going on at the moment xx
    #justanotherlinky

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    1. We sure do have a lot going on. You're right though about voicing my concerns. xx

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  5. Aww, this must have been such a difficult post for you to write. Really sorry to hear you are feeling this way, but I hope it helped to put it all down into words. I would have a good chat to your midwife so that you can get the proper support for birth and the early days in place while you are still pregnant. Date night doesn't have to be going out - sometimes it's nice to lay the table really nicely, cook some amazing food, no TV and just chat. We don't get to go out often but this helps us feel connected. I am also in a baby sitting circle with some friends, so that works well if you just want to pop out for a couple of hours the two of you. xx

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    1. The babysitting circle sounds like a fab idea x

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  6. Wow I totally relate to this. I am so worried about all this stuff which is exactly why we are not even ready to go there with no. 2 yet. Thanks so much for linking up to #wineandboobs

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  7. Children change your relationship forever, and you really are not prepared for it this first time. But remember the second time you are more confident. We had an intense time after my second because she was poorly for a while, but in some ways it was easier because we were a parenting team by this time. It's totally normal to be worried, but keep talking to each other and it will be ok. As for date nights, we're in a similar situation seriously lacking babysitters, but we try to do special date nights at home at the weekend. Good luck xx #wineandboobs

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  8. Hey are you in Cardiff? If so, I can babysit! Got years of experience and obviously my own kids! :D It's so hard not having loads of support around. Emlyn's parents don't live in Cardiff and my mum is registered disabled so even though her and Dad do help we don't rely on them massively. Is Eva in a nursery? We found a great babysitter in our son's first nursery and we still use her.

    As for relationship, physically it's really hard to give when you are so exhausted in all senses of the word. But I'm sure your husband knows this and is mindful of it. It's always difficult when you have a newborn but the second time around is emotionally so much easier. You don't have that scary what the eff am i doing feeling because you've done it all before.

    Good luck lovely.Xxx

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    1. I'm in Caerphilly. Def need to use our friends with kids and vice versa. I never thought to ask at her nursery so that's a great idea thanks x

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  9. What a great, honest post. There's no doubt that babies change your relationship - they can make it far deeper and stronger but also make having time to just be with each other much harder. It's definitely feeling harder to get back to concentrating on ourselves after baby no 2, we're both pretty knackered all the time 11 months down the line! My tips would be: accept that things will be very kid focused for a while & talk about how you will deal with that as a couple, be kind to each other even when tired & stressed (easy to get snappy!), after newborn stage start a regular home date night (the dating divas website is v cheesy but does have some good ideas for different home dates!). Cuddle & be affectionate even if there's no time for dates or, erm, fooling around time. We don't have family locally but I'm now talking to my first time antenatalgroup about a babysitting rota. Hope some of that helps :)

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    1. Very helpful thank you! Loving the sound of making time for cuddles and regular home date nights xx

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  10. I think these are fears so many couples have before having a baby. I know we did. I always said to myself things wouldn't change but of course they do. We've been out on one date on our own in 10 months. Luckily it hasn't been a big deal, we still go out with the baby etc, but I crave time alone in a bar just shooting the breeze and drinking a cocktail with my hubby. Our baby won't really go to anyone so we are pretty stuck and end up having a lot of TV dates. FUN!
    You know what though? Just the very fact that you're actually thinking about it and talking about it and planning for it and have awareness about what can happen to your relationship will I'm sure mean it's much smoother sailing this time around. You're already one step ahead and I'm sure you guys will be fine. I also think that there's a lot to be said for a great bottle of wine, a show you both love on the box and just holding hands on the couch. That's life for so many parents and it keeps that essential connection simmering. Good luck with everything xo

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    1. Thanks so much for all the advice. And you are definitely right on the wine! xx

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  11. Having baby two is ALOT harder work but you will get through it because at the end of the day it is worth it.
    We find it pretty hard with babysitting. Although my eldest goes to her dads once a week on a weekend but my youngest is with us 24/7.


    Thank you so much for linking up with #justanotherlinky Hope too see you again Sunday. xxx

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  12. It's really refreshing to read such an honest post. Sometimes I feel as though we are the only ones who have struggled with our relationship since having kids. I adore my husband but 3 years of neglect takes it's toll on any relationship. I think things are generally easier with #2 I didn't become so wrapped up in the bf bubble- partly because I didn't want to neglect my first daughter. My hubby and I were more of a team, partly because he had a lot new time off work so we weren't in the traditional stay at home mum and working dad roles. I also had way more milk and expressed from almost day one so dad could do a bedtime bottle. This was amazing for all if us and he and #2 had a great bond from very early one. We rarely get out together but we have introduced date night twice a week- no phones or blogging, we cook each other dinner, play cards or take a bath together- it's still a work in progress but we're enjoying spending time together.

    Good luck- I can understand your fears but it sounds like you are a strong couple who have already been through a lot and I suspect your biggest challenges are behind you😊 #twinklytuesday

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  13. What an honest post sharing fears most couples have. Me and hubby had a conversation only yesterday about our relationship. Do you have any friends who have teenagers you could train up to babysit? Thanks for linking to #twinkletuesdays

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  14. The change from no children to one baby is huge. Having another isn't as massive an impact. Hopefully the next delivery will be much better and won'the set you back as much.
    #twinkly Tuesday
    Fionnuala from www.threesonslater.blogspot.com

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  15. I really enjoyed reading this post and I must say I can relate to how you're feeling. We live in the Seychelles and have no family here (our choice to move away I know!) but that does mean that babysitters are hard to come by also, I think going from one to two makes a big difference in terms of asking someone to babysit as well!
    I totally get what you mean about becoming wrapped up in the baby, not making as much time for hubby.....I suppose that's normal though, as hard as it is!
    I think the fact that you have written this down and got it all out, shows how much you care and I think that will do so much for you all through the tough times!!
    It's great that you are consultant led this time, I hope you're getting lots of support to help ease your worries about birth!
    I'm telling myself that the change this time won't be as life changing as the first time around....I've heard others say this so I'm going to stick with that! #twinklytuesday

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  16. I think it's perfectly normal to have such fears. When our twins arrived I was so wrapped up in looking after them that our relationship went 'on hold' a bit. However as they got easier and we got more sleep - and more people babysat then it got a lot better! Now we're back to normal - well, as much as you can be with twins!! I hope it goes well and just keep making a little time for each other wherever you can :) Jess x #twinklytuesday

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  17. Do you have friends with kids? If so you could start a babysitting swap (once your newborn is settled obviously).

    I've been doing this with some of my mums' group friends as we're all english living in Australia away from family.

    Ask a friend to babysit one night and then return the favour once your baby's in a bit of a routine and is going to bed at a regular time.

    My parents came out when our second baby was born and had to force me to go out one night as I couldn't really be bothered, but I felt a million times better just for the two of us getting out for literally an hour for a child-free meal.

    As for the personal stuff, you both know it's only temporary and it can't possibly be as bad as last time (which your marriage survived!).

    #TwiinklyTuesday

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  18. It's only natural to worry lovely - but the thing is that you're aware of what could happen and that's why even if it does happen then you'll be ready for it.
    Just keep swimming lovely xxxxx
    #twinklytuesday

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  19. Oh, Kerry, I'm so sorry to hear of your worries. I think that the fact that you're thinking about these things and doing your best to plan for them is a great thing. I had all sorts of concerns about post-partum depression that came not to pass, in large part because I'd done so much preparation for that eventuality. You had an incredibly traumatic birth experience the first time around and are returning to the field of battle. Birth PTSD is a real thing, and I'm proud of you for tackling it.

    That said, I understand your concerns about the damage that could come. My daughters' birth left me unable to have sex without pain and although my husband started out patient and supportive, thanks to his own combat PTSD, he turned into someone who physically forced me to have intercourse that my body couldn't perform. Thankfully, that marriage is now over, but I do wonder from time to time whether things would have been different had I not had the physical/sexual aftermath of a traumatic birth to contend with.

    I wish I had answers for you. If you are at all open to it, I'd encourage you to seek out a counselor or therapist to help you deal with your very real fears. And I'm so glad that Arwyn is supportive.

    Thanks for linking with #TwinklyTuesday,

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